***I apologize ahead of time for the less positive theme of this post and the one before. This blog is where I told myself I would let out some of my feelings in a calm and sensible and (hopefully) intelligent way and these posts are doing just that. A lot of these are simply me typing my thoughts as they come up. I promise that it won't always be this way. The content that these posts are about came up within the past short while and have prompted a lot of thinking.***
I have been thinking about friends a LOT lately. I realize that I am a terrible friend when it comes to keeping in touch. Seriously, I suck. There have been more efforts made as of late, but hardly anything has come of it. It's not completely my fault, though... So many of you have moved so far away and have families and chilluns like myself. Funny how they tend to turn their mommies into hermits...
Recently a college friend got married and had a reception in Bountiful. (Bountiful...why??? So far away.) Despite my best efforts, I was unable to attend the reception and felt quite terrible. Today I sent a congratulatory message to my friend and he responded "I was wondering if you'd be able to make it to the reception and was sad when you didn't, but I guess that's only fair cuz I didn't make it to yours either. :)" That thought never even came into my mind until he said it. I know that he was only joking, but it made me realize something that makes me quite sad: Some of the friendships I have are contingent upon how many brownie points I can earn with them. Whether it be showing up and bearing gifts to bridal showers or baby showers or weddings or birthday parties or concerts, what have you, if I missed one or more of these events, I was suddenly blacklisted and it was difficult to contact the person. Now, I understand how it feels to have your turn to have a big event and have high hopes of seeing your old friends come show support and wish you well as you did for them on their various days of awesome only to have those hopes dashed by the tiny trickle that shows up. My wedding reception was especially disappointing because I had invited basically every good friend I had made from pre-school up to college and very few made it. But I always gave those people the benefit of the doubt and figured that they had something come up, or they were strange like me and receptions made them sad, or it was too far away. Something simple like that. It made me sad, but not to the point that I would all but sever the ties with those people. It's such a trivial disappointment that it more or less just rolled off my back after a day or two.
What ever happened to being friends because of similar interests, values, backgrounds, or just simply liking them for who they are??
Aside from that, I also found that there are some "friends" who despite my increased efforts to reach out and help/talk to/catch-up have not only been blowing me off, but also spreading untruths and very hurtful things concerning myself and dear Mr. Fox. Now, I will take some tough words and have a little cry then move on, but I will not tolerate someone speaking ill of my loved ones, especially when it's false speculation and borne out of spite. No fly zone. There is simply no need for such nonsense in this world or in my life.
Maybe these conditional friendships I recently found are ones that I don't need to put so much work into anymore. The most lame thing of all this is that I still really care for these people and want to do everything I can to let them know that I'm there for them, even when they are unduly mean or upset with me. However, let's just be honest here, I can't afford to be really choosy *sarcasm* what with my overabundance of social life and throngs of friends at my door *end sarcasm.*
That last sad sentence moves into another thing that I have been dealing with for the past few years: I really have no friends in the flesh. I have short bursts of friendship online via facebook (as much as I dislike FB, it is the only thing keeping me in touch with so many people who are so far away now) and that's all good and fun when I'm stuck at home, but I haven't really gone out and spent time with actual friends in person for many, many months (yes, even before I was pregnant). There is the occasional brush with someone at a baby shower or bridal shower, but those are fleeting and you are usually there to give the attention to the guest of honor. I don't really count those as "hanging out" because it isn't something that you and another person set time aside for and made plans together. This situation is exacerbated by the fact that I really do not have a great ward for making friends. It is a "newly wed or nearly dead" ward that has many BYU or UVU couples and very young families. Since most, if not all, of these couples are students they are only around for a semester amount of time and then they are gone. Because of the extreme transient nature of the young couples, the older members more or less put themselves into a bubble and let it happen around them and are not into making young friends who will most likely be gone in a few short months. I honestly can't blame them because they are comfortable with how things always have been and don't have the time or energy to remember all the names of the youngsters who breeze in and out of the congregation. In addition to this, I am quite introverted and intimidated by nearly all of the young Sisters and have a difficult time strumming up the courage to get to know them. I'm almost 26 years old and I still have "popular/pretty/mean girl" anxiety like I had while growing up (I will elaborate on that more another time). Pathetic, I know, but that's how I roll.
So, what's a gal to do? I think this ward-specific problem will more or less be solved once we move into a house and are settled for a more permanent stay, but it's a real downer in the meantime. I know that getting married and having kids typically means the near-death of any social life or friendships that I may have, but I don't want that to happen. If I could have just one good girlfriend with whom I could bond and have girl time and be friends for years I would be soooooo happy.
Well, that was yet another installment of Stephannie's lameness. I hope any and all persons who just read this go out and get (maybe with THEIR friendsies!!) a favorite treat to cheer themselves up with... I know I am as soon as Mr. Fox and I get home from looking at houses tomorrow. That mood will for sure need a little sugar boost. =)
As always, thanks for reading the dribble (a British term as a nod to the 2012 London Olympics) I put up. ;) Lata.
You know, as sad as it is, social interaction does die-out to one degree or another after marriage/kids. I feel the same way you do - that I'm a terrible friend because the only way I have any contact with old friends is on FB unless someone takes the effort of coming to me. I'm not much of an extrovert either, so it has taken a year and a half before I feel like we kind of fit into the ward - and even then I haven't hung out or had "girls nights" with any of the ladies here (we're one of the youngest couples and the others close to our age already have kids and tend to group together.) As humans we need social interaction - though it varies by person - and for me I've found most of that has shifted to my siblings and other family. Yeah I still care for and value the friendship of the people I've met in school and grown up with, but as life progresses everyone's priorities and goals change. So don't take it too hard when if feels like you're out of touch with others - they likely feel the same way. Try throwing a casual game night or potluck dinner and see who can come, allowing the benefit of the doubt that it just won't work for some people's schedules/circumstances. Most of all, remember that you have an impact on everyone you meet - past and present - and I certainly can't forget the pretty girl with the long red hair and big smile that I admired in school so long ago. :) You're a wonderful person, so don't let life keep you down. You know who you are and the value of your family, even if others may not appreciate that.
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